10 Tips to Manage Stress at Christmas - and How to Find Joy, Hope and Compassion Instead.

Christmas can be Painful for Many

I have always loved Christmas, though it is also a painful time of year for me. It brings into sharp relief who and what I have lost in my life. Like for many of us, the shape of our family changes over time, for me included. This, coupled with feeling pressured to ‘have fun’ and ‘be jolly’, get on fine with everyone, choose and buy all those presents and get it just right, make awe-inspiring food, have a clean, organised home (pah!). Well, let’s just say my emotions at Christmas can run riot.

If Christmas is Stressful

When stressed, our nervous system responds as if it is in fight-or-flight mode. This is why I include the Calm Reset lesson free, as the fight or flight response is usually a little ‘extra’, as my teen would put it. It’s a simple way to reduce stress, especially at Christmas.

We aren’t about to lose our entire social network because you didn’t know cousin Josh doesn’t actually like Star Wars any more, and why didn’t you know? You bought wrapping paper that isn’t eco-friendly, or the sprouts are soggy and no, you really can’t be bothered to make bread sauce this time. Aghast faces aside, I want to give you some pointers for surviving Christmas stress free this year.

1. Priorities at Christmas
What is it really about for you? For me, being with loved ones and having a break is what matters. I love the indulgence too, an extra glass of wine, chocolates and smoked salmon in the morning. If you can’t at Christmas, when can you? I also want to make sure that me and my girl are as happy as we can be, so I’ll regularly check in with how I feel and be open to her shifting needs too. What is the single most important thing for you this Christmas? Aim for that. For the rest, make a to do list, and put them in order of priority, and shed all non essentials.

2. Remember the Nativity Story - a Story of Hope at Christmas
Once upon a time, a shamefully unmarried refugee had to have a baby in someone’s shed, far from home. It turned out the baby was the son of God. Who knew? Well, therapists know that the moment of being truly open, perhaps vulnerable, and authentic, warts and all with everything stripped away, when all is lost. That is when the light comes in, that’s the moment of change. Even if you aren’t a Christian, it’s a wonderful story.

How will you support yourself when you feel vulnerable this Christmas, rather than moving away from it?

3. Receiving is Giving at Christmas
Everyone has heard that it is the thought that counts. We worry the kids are too materialistic as they rip open one present after another, hardly stopping to look. They will come back to them later, though.

When we receive, we accept that the other person thought of us, took time to wrap, and shared something of themselves with us in their choice. Giving can make some of us feel exposed as our choice is ‘out there’. It can feel like another reason to be judged or get something wrong. This is why some people are so bad at it. Give yourself and others a break if there’s a misattunement, we all do our best.

Receiving is a moment for us to understand our giver. We may need humility where we aren’t understood or seen by them as we see ourselves. We can use that insight to lead us to build a stronger bridge between you and the giver, if that’s what you want, if it is lacking.

Give them the gift of receiving with gratitude, even if it is heading straight to Oxfam in January. Q: Who is most in need of your gracious receipt this Christmas?

4. Finding the Light
Once, my mum burned the stuffing I made, my only contribution that year. That was disappointing. I won’t lie. The burned stuffing balls sat in the kitchen by the sink forlornly for the next day. Unfit to be part of Christmas. Too much effort put in (I made balls!) for me to bring myself to throw them away. Over the next day passers-by (I have a big family) picked and nibbled at them, a new, interesting charred snack that also served as a conversation topic: is burned food actually fine and still quite tasty really? Sometimes there are silver linings.

5. Self Compassion at Christmas
I have to give myself a lot of kind self-talk over Christmas. All we can do is our best, right? The myriad of emotions we have in life come into sharp relief at Christmas, stronger, fuller, with more frequent shifts from one to the next. From joy to loss to anger to gratitude. It’s hard to talk about when you’re pulling a cracker.

Research shows that people who show themselves self compassion have less depression, anxiety and are more resilient - that is why I include it in the Therapy Toolbox Course. It’s why we need it more at Christmas than at any other time so I make sure I am super kind to myself throughout Christmas and I hope you’ll do the same.
This food isn’t quite right? It doesn’t matter. I’m over/under dressed: it doesn’t matter. Josh hates the present. He has a lot of other presents and the charity shop will find it a home. It doesn’t matter.

I miss life before all the things happened. My feeling does matter, missing and emotional pain are normal. I give myself a self-hug and have another blini. And now Josh wants to play Dobble. He thinks I’m cool, even though I really have no idea what he’s into these days.

6: Missing Loved Ones - Sadness at Christmas
Many of us lose loved ones which can change the shape of our family. This is also more apparent at Christmas time, even years later.

Honour your feelings and be present with their full complexity. It’s fine to be sad at Christmas. Be the gloomy aunt in the corner if you want. Why not? It is also fine to have fun and be happy, and not feel guilt about that, even when someone is gone.

Remember lost loved ones by lighting a candle, buying a special plant, or a decoration in honour of them for the tree. You can do it openly or privately.

Talk about them with others - often people don’t want to start these conversations because they are so difficult, and we all have different relationships with the lost loved one. Be brave and try it this year.

7: Ask for Help/ Delegate - to Reduce and Manage Stress at Christmas
Christmas is no time for martyrdom. Often it is the thinking part of Christmas, the planning and emotional work that is difficult. Get someone else to chip in with this, as well as all the tasks. Your husband might peel the potatoes and do the sausages. Get him to think about timings and where to put things, too. Christmas is a time of sharing, and shared responsibility too.

It’s ok to ask your guests to chip in with the washing up, to take food in, to light candles, or chop a vegetable. Tidy up. In fact, it is enjoyable thing to be part of the preparations. 

8. Compassion for Others
We all have unique experiences of Christmas, good and, well less so. Another year passed and we didn’t reach those goals - and now we have to tell everyone.

Remember that it isn’t just you.

People might not meet your expectations, and you may not meet theirs. We are all trying like you, wanting to connect as best we can, and yes, it might fall short a bit but at least it happens.

Christmas is messy, we all do it in different ways, and the way it happens is the best way.

9. Done is Better than Perfect. Feeling Good Enough.
Soggy sprouts, burned stuffing, dry turkey (or no turkey at all) terrible presents, mess all over, still dusty shelves, and a bloody freezing home.

Focus on the messy experience of love and connection with people who care about you.

If that is not possible, there might be room for tolerance and forgiveness and perhaps a little indulgence. Always remind yourself that whatever happens, you are good enough, and knowing and accepting yourself as you are is your greatest gift from you to you.

10: Find Joy in the Little Things at Christmas

These are examples from my life, please make your own list so you can find your joy, whatever else is happening.

• Although I like elegant wrapping: natural paper, posh ribbons and sprigs, nothing beats the joy of a badly wrapped present in last year’s flattened out paper wrapped by a five-year-old with sticky hands.

• Chatting over the washing up.

• My niece suddenly snuggling into my lap with a book, when I wasn’t sure she remembered me.

• Conversations about which is the best kind of chocolate.

• Ten people unloading the dishwasher at the same time.

• My teen wearing something I chose.

• Finding my dogs poo under the dining table before anyone else did (Shhh).

• Talking about why the Strictly Christmas Special is bad again, and watching it anyway.

• Being called ‘Kate the Great’.

• Nibbling burned stuffing balls by the sink hours after the meal.

  It’s the little things on the big Christmas stage we need to savour. What will you be savouring this year?

Get the Simple Reset for Calm: A free tool from the Therapy Toolbox.

Find out about the Therapy Toolbox Personal Growth Course

Wishing you love and peace and a stress-free Christmas!

Share How to Manage Stress at Christmas and find Joy, Hope and Self Compassion on Pinterest!