What does Presence Mean?

What is presence?

Presence and Self-Awareness

I have been considering presence a lot lately as it is the focus of first week of the Therapy Toolbox course. It is an essential and often overlooked skill that is part of any therapeutic process. If we are going to step more fully into ourselves, we need to be able to be with ourselves.

Being present is a skill, and an important part of personal growth and development.

Presence means being in the moment, and slowing down to notice what is happening. Noticing is the first step in any change process. Without noticing our feelings, our thoughts, or our mental processes, we will stay in the same old patterns. By noticing, we give, often, much needed attention to ourself, the noticing in itself is an act of care and compassion.

In the first week of the course, we look more closely at our emotions, being present with them, and our thoughts. We use tools like mindfulness to observe our inner life. The starting point for change is always presence, and awareness. It sounds simple, but with 45% of our behaviour is habitual, this happens on auto, rather than in presence, so we need to slow down to take a look under the bonnet. This is what happens in therapy. We slow our clients down, so they can take a closer look inside.

What Does Presence Mean?

Being fully present means being in full awareness. Awareness of your thoughts, feelings, sensations, as well what is around you, other people, the space you’re in and everything else. This helps us understand what is happening in and around us, and makes it possible to see what choices we make next, both in that moment and for longer-term plans. 

Much of the therapy toolbox course focuses on building self-awareness.

When we are self aware, we experience life from our true self. Everything we think, feel and act from arises from an authentic place within us.

By developing our self-awareness, we get deeper clarity on who we are, what we want, our intentions, direction, and meaning. We can see how our anxiety levels or low mood are effected by events, thoughts and behaviours.

Our emotions arise in the present moment and give us clues on how to act next.

The present moment is where we experience love, joy, and fulfilment. Sometimes the present moment is filled with emptiness, boredom, discomfort, sadness, anger, or pain. These experiences are useful too. Even if more troubling, the present moment is all we ever have.

Being Present with Emotions

Being present with emotions can be a challenge or uncomfortable for many of us. Our emotions confront us in a way we don’t always expect. 

Allowing emotions to come into our awareness means we have to face them and interpret them. This is the simple route to personal growth. Awareness in the present moment of our feelings, thoughts, and sensations. 

If you were to have therapy, your therapist will slow you down so you feel and know your emotions. They will support you to stay with them until you are aware enough to understand them and process them. The moment of present awareness - even if uncomfortable, is the moment your psyche updates. It’s like downloading an update for your computer or phone, but the emotion, and awareness of it, is the update.

When the update is complete, you can move on. We call it integration. (Sometimes we need to challenge our emotions, or undue anxiety. We look at that in the course too.)

When we slow down using our breath, we can notice how our minds shift from one thought or feeling to another. This insight into how our mind works is useful: we can often influence our mood, thoughts, and feelings.

We don’t have to be fully present all the time: it requires alertness, it takes focus and energy. It is also good to let go, relax and not think too much about ourselves.

We are Going on a Bear Hunt

If you aren’t familiar with this book for young children, you can find it in any bookshop and read it in 5 minutes. It encapsulates an important lesson of life - translated for a two-year-old.
In the book on each page, the family encounters a simple problem: swishy grass, squelchy mud, etc. At each obstacle, they say: 

“We can’t go under it, we can’t go over it. Oh no, we have to go through it.”  

I think it’s applicable to everything. We have to go through the uncomfortable thing to get to the other side. Including feelings. 

You can’t have a satisfying and healthy relationship without facing and riding out the challenges, being honest, open and vulnerable. You have to go through this to connect.
If you want to lose weight, you probably have to change your diet, which can feel restrictive or bring up difficult emotions. You have to go through it.
For an alcohol dependant person to stop drinking, there is no way around it. You have to go through the challenging feelings of not drinking (and all that the drinking covered up) in order to get to your destination of freedom. You have to go through it.
You don’t get handed a first class degree until you do lots of work, and focus your time on study. You have to go through it.

How often do you feel so much better after crying, though not so much during. You have to go through it.

By being present, we face up to what is there, and come out the other side. We may have to battle through the cacophony of thoughts and emotions the mind presents us with to get beyond to a state of peace.

By being present with our feelings, we learn to tolerate them better, so we don’t need to push them away. We may need support from others, but we first must show up for ourselves. 

Increasing Our Capacity to Tolerate Difficult Feelings

When we are aware of our emotions, we create a gap; we can understand the feeling and surrounding thoughts before we react. This prevents all kinds of trouble. Impulsivity, tempers, decisions or outbursts we regret.

With the gap, we can respond appropriately. There is a lot to be said for the counting to ten when you feel angry. It gives your mind a chance to catch up, rather than your primeval ‘lizard’ brain taking over. The gap gives us understanding and choice. It allows our mind to update. 

Being present, and practicing mindfulness, grows this mind-muscle. We will practice this through the course.

Not only that, when we become aware of whatever process or uncomfortable feeling is happening, rather than pushing it away, we tend to ‘zap’ it, it actually will cause it to change and disappear. This doesn’t happen if we aren’t present.

By engaging with and tolerating difficult feelings in the moment, we acknowledge and dissolve them. If we ignore them, they stay and come out as different problems later on. We also need to check the validity of our emotions. Left over unaddressed emotions from the past can infiltrate our current reality. Presence and mindfulness sheds light on this.

If you want to build presence into your life and way of being, head over to the Therapy Toolbox, a therapy-led course to help you become…. you!